I Can No Longer Scream
by stuckinpavementontheroad
Summary: I don't know how anything fits in, how anything comes together. i'm not sure I wanna find out but I mean how will I know if I don't try?
1. Chapter 1

I didn't know where to begin, where to finish… I didn't even know what I could say at all. This counselor looked at me waiting for something, anything. She asked me continuously 'Tell me about your mom, your real mom.' I felt tears begin to build up but quickly swallowed them down.

"She's dead. Any other questions?" She gave me a 'Is that all?' glance.

"How did it happen?"

"Honestly? I came home and Seth had a knife to her neck." She looked at me in a way that she was sorry she asked. She should be. I stared down at my red shirt and khaki skirt. I realized how much I had skirts with the one glance.

"And who is Seth?"

"He _was_ my brother. Not anymore."

"Why not?" Is she really asking this? I let out a scoff and rolled my eyes. I began to unbutton my shirt and showed her a scar that went from the right side of my shoulder down just below my collarbone.

"That's why. He doesn't deserve the title brother." She looked somewhat disgusted by it. Good, guess that'll end the questionnaire.

"That's all the time we have for today." I picked up my backpack and walked out. She opened the door for me and I speed walked out. As I did so a short girl with hair like mine and really blue eyes looked at me. Then looked down, I had forgotten to button up my shirt before leaving the guidance room. I ran off to my class.

I walked into a classroom rather catholic school chair settings. I looked at the board 'Welcome to grade 11 advanced English' I sat down in the first seat I found closest to the door. 2nd row and 2nd seat, I sat down and took out my notebook and began writing the first thing that popped into which was the same thing over and over. The same night repeated over and over. God, it kills me sometimes. I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around to find the blue-eyed girl from the guidance office. I jumped to stand and dropped my stuff all over.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you." She bent down and began to help me pick all my stuff up.

"I'm Clare by the way." I looked up at her extended hand.

"Uhh, I'm Aria." I shook her hand and she smiled. Just wait until she gets to know me.


	2. Chapter 2

"_No please Seth, stop."_

"_I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore Ari."_

"_Seth! Please!"_

"_I love you."_

I woke up with a mix of sweat and tears streaming down my face. I guess this is what I'll dream about until I die. Fucking A. I slipped on my uniform, brushed my teeth and jetted. I decided to take the car today, driving helps a lot. I drive a 1964 Chevy impala, it used to be mom's. I got to school and saw a big hearse taking up way too much space. I honked the horn as a black nailed asshole flipped me off. I honked again, same story. He finally moved and we both parked. I went to greet the lovely fellow… Are you kidding me?

"Your Clare's thing right?"

"I don't know about you but most people call it a relationship." I stuck up the middle finger.

"Such obscene finger gestures." He gave his best 'oh my god!' face which made me laugh.

"Oh dear lord. It smiles."

"Fuck off."

"So, class?"

"Umm not right now. I have to go to the uhh, counselor."

"Really? What for?" I gave him a look and he raised his hands in a backing up gesture. I started laughing and walked away. I truly hate when people pry. I walked into the guidance office and sat down.

"Glad you could make it." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Kind of mandatory." She looked at me intently

"Shall we continue where we ended yesterday?"

"Can I say no? Believe me as much as I like talking about it let's talk about something else!" I pulled my fake smile. Drama club did me some good I guess. Minutes passed that felt like hours of silence and questions that will never be answered.

"That's all our time." I left the guidance office and proceeded to English.

"Hey!" Clare leaned in for a hug which triggered my anxiety and I jumped back. Fantastic.

"Sorry. Hi." I started smiling and gave her a hug. I hate when my issues trigger in front of people. It happens a lot, if only they were around the last time.


	3. Chapter 3

After English I was just kind of afraid for them to ask questions, luckily they didn't actually they didn't say much. Eli asked how counseling was I replying with the automatic 'Fine. As always.' With that cheap smile I give everyone. One day that smile will fade and the person inside will break through. Just waiting for someone to pull at thread that holds it all together.

I looked around the cafeteria for Eli, Adam and Clare. Nothing… Fuck. Eli and Clare have a drama club meeting and Adam is probably just trotting around. I decided to sit at the table we usually do on my own. A tall lanky dude started to approach me, he rested his hand on the table and attempted to give me his bedroom eyes that actually looked more like an exorcist.

"I'm Fitz, why are _you_ all by yourself?"

"Because my friends aren't here?" I rolled my eyes and drank my juice. He tried to talk but kind of stuttered. He sat down in the chair across from me. My eyes widened as I began to look up at him. He had his hand on his cheek and he was watching me… watching me. What a creepy little bastard.

"Sorry, I'm not smooth at all. But I do however think your really pretty."

"No kidding, but thanks." I felt my cheeks grow hot. Another great drama club trick. Now there's one thing I should mention, I know who this Fitz kid is. He's the one who tried to stab Eli at the last school dance. Now, I'm not one for revenge or anything but this kid is slightly biting at everything I'm throwing right now. I smiled at him and looked down at my watch. Lunch was almost over.

"So are you single?" I looked up at him kind of amused that he'd ask.

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

"I mean if you want a boyfriend, I don't mind applying for the job."

"Is that so? And what makes you think I want you to 'apply' for the job?" He shrugged his shoulders. I looked up and saw Clare approaching as she came closer her face got more and more serious. She looked at me and grabbed my arm to pull me away.

"What in the world are you thinking? Fitz. Really?" I gave her a smile.

"What? He came to me and besides nothing will happen, trust me."

"Aria, that's the guy who tried to 'stab' Eli" Her air quotes always look weird too me.

"Oh, then this a lot more fun." I started laughing. Her face was still straight.

"Not joking. Aria, seriously.

"Clare, please. I'm not stupid." I smiled at Clare.

"Sure. You sound like Eli did before and look how that worked out."

"Clare, I'm not Eli. Trust me." She smiled which I guess was my chance to get out of the conversation. Well, let's see Fitz likes me but he basically made my friend pee his pants. Maybe I can do something, teach him a lesson if you will.


	4. Chapter 4

I had an appointment later on in the day at some psyche ward. Probably want to check if I'm as sick as Seth. I tried to not think about it as I drove to school. The entire day was so long that it was killing me to be there.

I walked towards my locker to find Clare... crying. I wasn't sure what to do but I think I know what happened.

"What happened?" I pulled her up off the floor as she wiped her eyes. She gave no answer.

"As great as that answer was, what happened Clare?"

"It's nothing, honestly. Just some things going on with Eli." Now this upset I walked away straight to Eli's locker. Bingo. I smiled a bit, I'm not sure why though.

"Hey Aria"

"What'd you do to Clare?" I pushed him a bit. I was officially livid.

"Whoa calm down. It's a big misunderstanding." I didn't believe a word he came out with but I had this feeling this sick sadistic type of feeling.

"Well then, help me understand it because I'm not going to let Clare take your bullshit." He seemed shocked or something. I mean, it makes sense. I never showed much favoritism towards Clare but I wasn't having this.

"She thinks I've been I don't know how to put this, keeping Julia around I guess." I decided that one part of the story wasn't good enough. I walked down the hall and dragged Clare back to Eli.

"Now tell me why you were crying." She held back her tears and repeated what Eli had told me. I got frustrated, I ran away.

"Aria!" Clare ran behind me.

"What?"

"What's wrong? You were so quick to cut Eli's throat. Is everything okay?" I wasn't about to gain another counselor. I had to go, anywhere. I ran into Fitz in the hallway, he smiled the minute he saw me.

"Hey there." He smiled throughout his entire sentence. I must admit, crazy or not he's really cute... and seems kind of sweet.

"I really need someone right now. Do you want to go out somewhere?" He seemed kind of astonished by the invitation.

"Umm well sure, I guess. School is over so yeah." He smiled which sort of made me blush. We walked out of the school and I grabbed his hand. He looked down almost instantaneously. So I let go.

"Sorry. That was stupid." He smiled and grabbed my hand.

"Don't be." He looked at me, his eyes were kind of pretty. They made me forget everything for a second.

"So, where are we going?"

"Well, we have many options. There's the dot, the bar, above the-"

"How about my house?" He looked at me in shock. Then gave me and smirk and raised an eyebrow.

"Ew. I just wanted to make my own food. Perv." I began to walk away, for dramatic effect of course. He pulled my hand and kissed me.

"Sorry." He let me go and started looking around. I latched on to his neck and kissed him back. Hmmm I guess that doctor is just going to have to wait.


	5. Chapter 5

Me and Fitz sat in my living room eating the alfredo I made. It wasn't half bad if I must be honest. After every bite he'd look up until finally

"What?" He kind of choked. I guess I caught him off guard.

"I just feel as though I'm at a loss of information on you." I looked at him with one eyebrow up. Seriously?... I took a sip of my soda and looked up again.

"I'm aria. I sing and act. I like music, I'm usually alone, I stutter, I have ADHD and suffer from anxiety. The anxiety is due to the fact that my mother was killed by my older brother and he stabbed me." I pulled down my collar and looked up.

"I've also never really liked the world I was in... until now." He continued to stare at me.

"I like to write and read. My hair didn't come with the blonde tips. My eyes have lines in them when exposed to the sun. I'm 5'6... and I uhh used to cut myself." I placed down my food and removed my cardigan. He put down his food and began to touch the bumps and scars that had formed on my arm.

"Before or after?"

"Both. Still." he looked up at me and started shooting his eyes up and down from my eyes and my lips. He started to kiss me, it was passionate and it felt real. He held on to my arm the entire time. Then I felt no pain, then I was happy. He stopped and rested his forehead against mine.

"Will you stop?"

"I want to."

"What can I do?"

"Continue." He continued to kiss me and then the doorbell rang. I ran to the door and opened it. Eli and Clare stood there hand in hand. I looked back at Fitz.

"Can we talk?" Eli looked concerned, so did Clare. I walked outside them both not knowing that Fitz was on my couch.

"You told us you were at the doctor, so we went to the doctor. She told us why they called you in." I looked at Clare who seemed kind of distraught. I mean I honestly don't know why shed be upset over me.

"She told us you have schizophrenia." I guessed they were joking and let out a giggle. They didn't laugh along.

"Eli. That's not funny." He grabbed my hand and I pulled back.

"Aria, your brain is wired differently. They can try to help but nothing is certain." I couldn't handle this. Seth had schizophrenia, I wasn't Seth.

I can't do this. I ran back inside my house. I ran upstairs and Fitz ran after me. He grabbed me close.

"What happened?" I inched around his eyes hoping that no eye contact would help. He grabbed my face asked again.

"What happened?" I began to cry, I held back what I could and pulled into my room. I pushed Fitz on my bed. Just like that, I made the biggest mistake I could have made.


	6. Chapter 6

I decided to walk to school today considering the fact that I felt like complete shit. My body ached and all I could think about was Eli. What Eli said and how Clare held back tears. I didn't think of it as a thing to cry for but still it played over and over in my head…

'_She told us you have schizophrenia.' _

And then Fitz, I made a mistake with Fitz last night and I can't do anything about it. I looked at my watch seeing that I was early but I really can't take having a conversation on whatever happened last night.

As I approached the school I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I saw Fitz… talking to Eli. I decided to approach the two and as I got closer the yelling got louder and louder.

"What did you do to her?"

"What the hell are you talking about? I told her the truth!"

"Eli, don't pull that shit with me! I need an explanation on why I saw my girl run in the house crying!"

"Your what?" Eli saw me out of the corner of his eye. I did nothing, I froze. I wasn't able to move.

"When were you going to say something Aria?" I said nothing I looked at Fitz who was fiddling with his pants loop. I found the nearest rock and sat down as they decided to go back to screaming.

"Stay the hell away from her?"

"She's my friend! I'm going to protect her!"

"She has all the protection she needs!"

I started rocking back and forth, I thought it would calm me. I then started pulling on my fingers. Then I couldn't breathe. No air was coming in or out. I pulled my bag off and opened the latch, I took out my glasses case that held band-aids, alcohol pads and a 2-inch razor. I pulled out the razor and placed it against my skin.

"Aria!" Fitz ran to me and grabbed my hands. He squeezed until I let go and proceeded to grab my face.

"Babe look at me." I felt my eyes grow heavy. I saw blood trickling down Fitz hand, I looked at Eli who has no cuts or bruises. He was dripping with my blood. I didn't go for the usual spots this time, I went straight for the wrist. I saw Eli calling someone, I'd assume help. But I'm too tired to even think on that.

"Aria, please look at me. Aria please." I started to cry when I saw tears stream down Fitz face.

"I tried so hard." I gave him a kiss that I'd thought to be our last and closed my eyes I heard sirens and then everything went black. This must be what death feels like… I could feel mom pulling me closer to her but I also felt Fitz pulling me away crying and screaming my name. I've never been so torn. I chose Fitz. I needed Fitz.


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up completely unaware of where I was, I'd assume it to be the hospital. I looked down at my wrist that was now bandaged up. I looked around but no one was there, there was nothing but a heart monitor and IV thing. I heard the door open, now if this was a cheap horror flick I'd die right now.

Fitz walked through the door and saw that I was awake.

"Hey there." He waited for a response, even a glance… I gave him nothing.

"Ari?" I just looked out the window pretending I didn't hear a word. I didn't want to hear anything.

"Babe, look at me. Please, I'm begging you." I looked up but not at him, behind him. Eli was standing there with nothing but a blood red rose in his hand. I had told him those were my favorite the morning we met. Fitz looked behind him.

"Fitz, don't." He looked down at me, kissed my head and walked out nudging Eli on the way.

"So, I remember you saying something about Ecuadorian roses and I got you one."

"Thanks Eli. That means a lot. Ummm, did you tell Clare?"

"Yeah, she's going to come by a little later with Adam."

"That's great." I felt the tears coming down my face. I saw Eli's eyes watering as well. Eli laid the rose on my stomach and began to walk away.

"Eli, thank you." He nodded his head and left the room.

Fitz walked in shortly after Eli left.

"Can I ask you something?"

"No thank you."

"What in the hell were you thinking." He came closer to the point he was an inch away from the bed. I tried to edge around Fitz's face but nothing worked. He put his hand on my face a turned it towards him.

"Aria. Do you not understand who fucking worried I was about you?" He started crying and wiping away whatever tears that were left on my face.

"Fitz, please." At this point I started sobbing, I've never really had anyone care for me the way Fitz seems too.

"Just tell me."

"Fitz, there's something wrong with me. I'm schizophrenic just like my brother." I started pulling my hair.

"You didn't mention he was schizophrenic. And who said this?"

"Eli and Clare told me yesterday when I talked to them, they uhh went to my doctor."

"Well, what's that mean?"

"I'm not good for you, us together isn't safe anymore."

"Was it safe ever? With Eli and Clare?"

"This is different Fitz! I could snap at any moment! I could kill you and feel nothing." Tears came down with every word, it hurt so much to tell Fitz what I knew now to be the truth.

"You'd have to feel something, anything. Ari you can't seriously mean that."

"Fitz, my brain isn't good. I will to do you what my brother did to my mom. And as many times as I tell you I love you for those 5 or 10 minutes it won't matter, none of it will matter." The sheets on my bed had a mixture of both our tears that continued to fall after every word.

"But what's going to happen? Exactly."

"I'll be fine, for a while. Then I'll start getting paranoid. I'll become depressed and upset at every move you make until one day I'll snap. Everything you love, like, _need_ about me will disappear. You won't love me anymore."

"Ari, I highly doubt." He looked at me with hope in his eyes, then the answer was a little more clear.

"Fitz, I need you to promise me something."

"Anything."

"I'll tell you when the paranoia comes, and when it does. You need to stop it."

"Aria, I don't know how to do that."

"Yes, you do. It's not that hard." His face dropped. He went from sad to completely disgusted.

"Aria, it may be easy for you… but not for me. I can't watch someone hurt you, let alone do it myself."

"Then pretend I'm Eli, I don't care! But I don't want to hurt any of you. So when the time comes, one of the 3 of you need to do it." He didn't move, he didn't do anything. Let's hope when the time comes he does something.


	8. Chapter 8

So I got emitted from the hospital and decided to head over to Fitz's house. I needed to talk to him. When I got there I rang the bell about 5 times until he finally opened the door.

"Hey." His voice was kind of shaky.

"I have an appointment today in about an hour or so? Can you come?"

"I'm afraid of what I'll hear Ari…"

"Please, I need you. I need you to be there"

"Why? So I can see when they diagnose you with something else to separate us?"

"No, the doctor called and said she had good news." His face automatically lit up.

"Fine." He smiled at me which made me fell a million times better. We drove to the doctor and waited not long until I was called. We were only there for about 2 minutes. The best 2 minutes of my life.

Fitz met me at home so he could walk me to school, we walked hand in hand the entire way. I saw Clare and Eli outside the school. I attacked Clare with a hug.

"Good news, doc says I'll be okay!" Clare and Eli looked at each other smiling. Eli picked me up and twirled me around. When he put me down I felt kind of dizzy.

"You okay there?"

"Not accustom to being spun around bitch fuck." He smiled which made me giggle. This had to be the biggest, bestest upside to my week… better yet, to my life! I never felt better then the way I did now, amazing friends, amazing boyfriend. I felt completely invincible.

After the day was over everyone decided a celebration dinner was a perfect idea. In other words we ordered burgers at the dot.

"So, what exactly did she say?" Clare was rather eager to hear details. They all waited for and answer but I had about half the burger crammed in my mouth so Fitzy took care of it.

"Well, she just said that symptoms don't seem to be approaching so it may possibly be a minor case which is as good as nothing." I swallowed the rest of my burger and looked up.

"Yeah, so basically I'll be fine to do whatever I feel."

"That's great Ari." I haven't heard Eli call me that in a while. He smiled at Clare and continued to be a theoretical fatass.

After we were done I said my goodbyes and Fitz walked me home. I realized we said nothing on the way back.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?" I put on my drama club smile.

"Aria, I saw past that after the first week." I don't know why he didn't say something before. My drama club smile kind of hurts my cheeks.

"It's nothing, I just hope the doctor's right. You know I worry about You, Clare and Eli's well being."

"Not to be obvious but shouldn't you put you well being ahead of us."

"Mark, if I'm not well neither are you." His entire face straightened. How he hates his name.

"Ha. ha." He started to walk away so I grabbed him arm.

"I like your name, plus your cute when your mad." He smiled and kissed me softly on the lips which made me kind of heat up in my cheeks. That happens a lot with him.

"Fine, you can call me that… but if Clare and emo boy start we're gonna have an issue." I thought he was serious be he smiled and wrapped me in his arms which felt nice because it was rather cold tonight.

"Wanna stay over? Dad's on business."

"Uhhh are you sure?

"Yeah, I dislike being all cold and alone anyways." He smiled and put his arm around me. We walked into my house and throughout the night I honestly didn't ever leave his grip. He fell asleep on the couch around 11:55, I knew this because there was 5 minutes left of George Lopez and I felt him breathing heavily on my neck. I turned off the tv and kissed Mark's nose. I thought about what the doctor said and for the first time in a long time I prayed and cried until somehow I believed everything would be okay.


	9. Chapter 9

I truly love waking up with Mark by my side, I actually like calling him by his real name. Fitz is just so… childish. I tried to get up without waking him but I sort of failed at it.

"Why is it you always wake up at 5 in the morning."

"Pills."

"Don't you take those at school?"

"I have to take them multiple times a day." I started laughing.

"Hey! Don't laugh at me!" He came up behind me and rested his head on my shoulder.

"So, what are these for?" I looked at him and smiled.

"The pink one is for allergies, The blue one is for depression, the small white one is for ADHD and the big white one is for anxiety. Babe, you smell horrible, go take a shower."

"See I would but I wasn't told ahead of time for this sleepover." He kind of backed up prepared for the major arm punch.

"Sarcastic bitch fuck. You left some here. Their in my top drawer." I finished taking all my pills and started brushing my teeth when I heard a slam upstairs. I finished up and saw Fitz running down the stairs.

"What the fuck is this?" I looked in Fitz hand and he was holding a picture of me and Eli.

"It's ma and Eli, what?"

"It was taken 2 years ago Aria!" Me and Eli decided that telling people the truth was a bad idea. But it seems like Fitz was soon to find out.

"We knew eachother, before I came Degrassi. We were best friends back before all the shit happened." He sort of let out a scoff. "Fitz, nothing ever happened with us. He was with Julia, they were happy but when she died he couldn't take it and he transferred schools, stopped talking to everyone. He had called me a couple months before to let me know he was okay." He gave me a look and soon enough he figured out why Eli called me.

"You knew, about me and Eli and that I got arrested! Yet, you still went out with me? Why? To get me back for messing with your precious Eli?"

"Mark, it wasn't like that. Yeah, I knew but that doesn't change how I feel about you."

"The thing is, it changes how I feel about you. I'm sorry Aria, I can't do this."

"Mark are you serious? I need you right now!"

"Aria admit it! You were gonna screw me over, you were gonna leave me the minute you had the chance!"

"Mark! You know how many chances I could have taken? But, I didn't. Because you know what Mark I didn't! You want to know why? Because I-I'm I'm in love with you Mark and I could never leave you. No matter what you did to Clare, Eli, Adam your still the one person I would never wanna change out of my life." He looked down at the picture and let out a scoff that led into a laugh.

"You know, we've never taken a picture together. My mom is always asking about you and how we look together but I can't ever just explain in words what we are, how we look, how we feel." With every word he stepped closer. "I love you too, I'm sorry." He smiled and kissed me.

"I did know, but when we got together it kind of I don't know, left my mind. I didn't care anymore. Eli is my best friend but I'm in love with you not Eli. I promise." I let out a laugh. "Now, can you please take a shower because you smell gross." I smiled and he went upstairs. This is the first time me and Mark ever got into a real fight and I couldn't help but think how bad it was. If it was bad this time imagine the next time.

"Hey! Babe! I kinda forgot something!"

"What?"

"I forgot the underwear!" I looked down at the kitchen table where of course Mark 'left' his underwear. I ran upstairs to the bathroom.

"Open the door idiot!" He opened the door and there he was. "You don't like clothes very much do you?"

"Well, school doesn't start for another hour." I started laughing and he pulled me in. Is this going to happen every single time we fight?


	10. Chapter 10

Since our fight Mark hasn't left my side, the whole no PDA rule at school is killing him and while I won't admit it… it's killing me too. He put his arm around my waist and this random teacher gave us a look. Mark walked to every class that day, he even said hi to Eli and Clare.

"Are you okay?"

"Perfect. Why?"

"Mark, you said hi to Eli."

"He's your best friend and I plan in being there for as long as I can."

"On. You plan _on_ being there." He made a face.

"Although, I could do without that." He laughed and gave me a hug. I loved Mark's hugs, he would always put his arms above my shoulders and held my head while I went around his back and held onto his shoulders. It just made me feel secure. I don't know, it was this weird thing I loved about Mark.

"Eli! Can I talk to you?"

"Hey Ari, what's up?"

"I told Mark… Everything."

"What? Why?"

"He found a picture of us dated November 21st, 2008" He gave me a smirk.

"That was the day we met. You called me a dickfucker and I spilled a beer on you." I started laughing.

"But we were instantly best friends." He looked down and fixed the position of his feet.

"I wouldn't have changed that day for anything."

"Well, I'd hope not!" We both started laughing and he gave me a hug.

"Wait, what'd Fitz say?"

"Umm we got into a fight but, we made up." I felt myself my blushing. Which Eli caught onto.

"Ewwwwwwwwwww! You fucked Fitz?" He looked completely repulsed which was hilarious to me.

"Shut up dick fucker!" He smiled.

"Just like old times." This sort of made me tear up. Especially when he came to hug me and told me 6 words that killed me "Don't leave me like Julia did." I backed away and looked into his eyes.

"I would never Eli." He smiled

"Besides, you don't want Fitz turning into me."

"You and Mark? I can't really compare you two."

I saw Mark walking up the hall towards me so I removed any left over signs of tears.

"Hey beautiful."

"Hey" I smiled, he's just stood there with his hands in his pockets. "What?"

"What happened with Eli?"

"I just told him what happened today. He was grossed out." I started laughing and so did he.

"You didn't tell him what happened in the shower right?"

"I don't really care to explain my shower sex to Eli." He smiled and gave me hug. "I'm gonna go to the music room, I'll see you later?"

"Definitely. Umm want me to stay over tonight?"

"Definitely." I smiled and went on to the music room, the first thing that caught my eye was the piano. I started playing whatever came to me at first it was just chords and then I realized I was playing Cut by Plumb, I sang through the entire song.

"I didn't know you could sing!" I turned around to find Clare smiling.

"Hey! Yeah, it's a hobby." She smiled again.

"Your really good! You know we have like a showcase coming up, you should audition to be in it."

"I don't know Clare…"

"Oh come on! Besides, that'd be the first and last time Fitz showed up to one of those things!" I started laughing and looked up at her, she was giving me her 'PLEASEEEEEEE' look.

"Fine! Pushy."

"Pushover." She smiled.

"Wait, can I play guitar?"

"You can do whatever you want." The song came to mind immediately. Rooftop by Melissa McClelland. I played it at Julia's the night she died and then at mom's funeral. I guess the song is played when something bad happens.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's note: The song has been changed to Rooftop by Melissa McClelland.**

**And to "Fitz" be happy that for once in a story you get some ass that's not Eli… or by raping -.-**

I looked around for mark but couldn't find him at all which was annoying me because I really wanted to tell him about me entering this show or whatever it is. I kept walking around but he was honestly no where to be found.

"Ari!" I saw Eli running up the hall. He ran to me, picked me up and spun me around. "Your singing again!"

"Eli…"

"Eli nothing, I'm proud of you."

"Eli, I'm singing Julia's song…" His face went completely pale.

"We decided that was the last time. Nothing is okay with that song! Not to be superstitious but something bad will happen before or after!

"I doubt it, I'm in a good place now."

"You say that a lot."

"Elijah! For once, can you trust me on something?" He nodded and kissed my cheek. I continued to look around for Mark who was apparently missing in action. I decided to go to my locker and see if he was anywhere to be found. Bingo! He was standing at my locker twirling a rose in his hand. He looked up and smiled.

"Hey."

"Hey there, boyfriend." He handed me the rose and shoved his hand in his pockets. "What's wrong?"

"I wanted to ask you something…"

"What is it?"

"I don't know if I should."

"Mark, if you don't tell me now the anticipation may kill me." He looked up but he looked kind of worried. "What? One suicide attempt and I can't make jokes?"

"Ari, that's not funny."  
"Sorry… Continue."

"Umm after the showcase? I know your going since you best friends are in it."

started laughing. "What?"

"I'm actually gonna sing in it…"

"That's great!" He looked around and then kissed me.

"Yeah, which means you have to come."

"I wouldn't miss it."

"Good!" He took my hand and began walking me to class. The day didn't seem as long this time around. As soon as school was over I went home to practice for the show. I was actually doing really well. In the middle of my 1000th run-through the phone rang, I'd assume it to be Mark, Eli or Clare.

"Hello?"

"Ari? It's so good to hear your voice."

"Se-Seth?"

"Hey, so lawyers found a loophole and I get to come out of jail, hopefully in the next month." I couldn't process a word of what he said, I didn't even want to think about what he just said. "Hello?"

"Yeah, ummm that's great Seth."

"I wanted to see you so we could just talk about that night."

"Ye-yeah, yeah of course."

"Okay, you'll be the first person I call when I'm out." I hung the phone and as I tried to put it on the base it fell. I wanted to cry but nothing came out it was like the ground was just taken from under me and I was free falling into whatever was left. Seth was coming back. He can't, I won't.

I never promised.


	12. Chapter 12

The images of Seth that night kept reeling in my head over and over. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't do anything. I had shrugged everyone off but that didn't help. It just made me feel alone.

"Hey, Ari. Are you okay?"

"Yeah umm what is it Clare?"

"Are you still doing the show?"

"Yeah, tonight right?"

"Yeah, I'll see you at rehersals?"

"Can I not do rehearsals?"

"Umm sure if you think you can go without it." I've done the song before, I could handle it. I mean I could go to rehearsals but I had so many other things to worry about. As the day went on I virtually did nothing, I slummed around waiting for some good news, for anything.

I walked around my house multiple times until I decided I should pick up my guitar and leave to go to Degrassi. I walked today, help me clear my mind, maybe that's why I paced my room for about 2 days straight. I looked at the marquee that read "DEGRASSI! Showcasing it's greatest talents!" I thought it looked stupid, then again the show wasn't exactly the most brilliant idea either. I looked around and people were practicing in the halls, I saw Jenna sorta jumping around and Clare going around making sure everyone knew their shit.

"Hey! Are you all set?"

"Yeah, totally!"

"Good, your second so…"

"Umm I was bluffing?"

"That sucks." She stuck out her tongue and smiled. It kind of hurt me a bit to know this wouldn't last. I saw Mark approaching me.

"You weren't in school why?"

"I was getting you something." He put his hand in his pocket.

"Ummm, am I gonna have to wait?" He smiled and we started laughing. God damn it Mark.

"Yes. Now go kill it." He kissed me on the head and gave me a hug.

"Gladly." I smiled back and proceeded towards the music room.

I saw that the first person was just about done and knew it was my turn to go up. I pulled out my guitar and let out one chord just to make sure the guitar was tuned. I heard Sav announce me and immediately wanted to cry. This was going to be my last time on stage and never would I ever return to this stage. I went on stage and saw Mark and Eli in the crowd. I looked to my right and saw Clare put a thumbs up. I sat on the stool and started playing. With every line I thought of everyone, my mom, Seth, Clare, Julia, Mark… Eli. Everyone just piled in my head and then I realized that no matter what this needed to happen, it needed to happen.

_I am playing god, I am raising hell as far as I can tell. I am all alone, alone in this world alone._

I realized the reality it those 2 lines and as I proceeded off the stage I started to cry, I went to Clare and told her what I needed her to say and began to walk out of the school.

I went home, placed my guitar on my bed and wrote out a story. I then went downstairs I looked back and forth from my bike to my car and grabbed my bike and bagan to ride away from Degrassi, I passed Clare's house and Eli's. I passed mark's until I was there. I looked out to see what would be the end.


	13. Clare's POV

I walked towards Fitz who looked like he was waiting for Aria.

"Hey, Fitz?"

"Hey Clare! Have you seen Ari?"

"Umm she told me to tell you bye and that she loves you because she won't get to see you."

"Okay? Do you know where she's going?"

"I honestly don't know." He looked sort of confused. So I just patted his shoulder and went on to find Eli. I saw him kind of pacing back and forth next to the lockers, he looked up and smiled.

"Hey! The show was awesome! Thanks to an amazing director." He smiled and kissed me. "So, where's Ari?"

"She left…"

"Really? Why?"

"She didn't say why but she did tell me tell you that she never promised?"

"She never promised? What the hell does that mean?" He looked confused and then his eyes got wide.

"Eli? What is it?"

"Where are the most cars right now? But, the closet area."

"Uhh… The interstate! It's about a mile or two away. Why?"

"I told her to promise me she wouldn't leave… the way Julia did. So I know that's exactly what she'll do." I honestly couldn't believe this, why would Aria want to kill herself? Everything seemed fine, with Fitz with me, with Eli. Everything just seemed fine. Morty was acting up so we had to run to the interstate. When we got there we didn't see her just a slight pattern in cars… red, black, green, blue, red, black…

"ARIA!" I looked at the pavement that laid between the north-bound and south-bound sides of the interstate where Aria was sitting with her bike on the floor next to her watching as the cars passed by. Eli just kept screaming, "ARIA!" She looked over at Eli but continued to watch to cars when Eli ran out towards her. He looked like a game of frogger dodging all the cars that came towards him.

"Eli! What are you doing?" He continued to run across so being the idiot I am I ran after him. I dodged all the cars and made it to the pavement where both Eli and Ari were standing.

"What are you thinking Aria?" She kept looking at me and then watching the cars behind me.

"Se-Se-Se-Seth is co-co-co-comi-coming back." She stuttered through all of her words. She was crying at the same time and grabbing Eli's hands from her face. She ran to me and grabbed my shoulders "What did you do? I told you to say one thing Clare! One thing!"

"I told him one thing, that's all I said." I felt tears roll down my face as she started shaking me.

"Then why are you here?"

"He figured it out Aria…"

"Who do you think you are? You think you can stop me?"

"Aria, please. We can keep Seth away!"

"He has no where else to go!" Her screams were starting to become shrieks.

"Then you can live with me, with Eli… with Fitz."

"I can't, I can't. Clare, please tell me you told Mark."

"I did, but why don't you tell him?"

"I can't Clare! I don't want to leave him, but I need to." She gave me a hug and picked up her bike. Eli grabbed her arm.

"Aria, please! Please, don't go!"

"I'll tell her you said hi." He grabbed her tight in his arms and refused to let go. "Eli, please. Let me go, I need to go."

"You said you wouldn't leave me!"

"Eli, you'll always be my favorite." She pulled a picture out of her pocket and placed it in his hand, she sat on her bike as Eli looked at the picture and sunk to the floor. She waved goodbye and drove into a truck. I closed my eyes, hoping to wake up. Nothing happened I looked as Aria's bike and body were strewn across the interstate. I put my arms around Eli as he screamed and cried. She was gone.


	14. Eli's POV

I didn't know what to do now, I had to tell Fitz that I let Aria die. Once again, a person that meant the world to be was dead. I'm going to end up killing everyone I love. I looked down at a picture dated November 21st, 2008. It was me, her, Seth and Julia. She had said Seth was coming back, that's why she needed to go but inside I knew it was still my fault that she wasn't here right now. I went from sad to angry in the matter of seconds I looked to the picture and pinned it on my wall with such force my lamp fell. I proceeded in this manner and threw my entire bedside table to the floor. I knocked everything off my dresser and started ripping the posters off my wall. I took the picture down and ripped off the side where Julia and Seth were and put it in my drawer. I looked up to see my mom eyeing everything on the floor, she picked up a cuff of mine that I had thrown off my dresser.

"That's Aria's! Don't touch it."

"Eli, maybe I should call Clare or something."

"Clare's was there, she knows how I get. She'd be stupid to come."

"Fine, did you at least tell her boyfriend." I put my hand on my neck and looked up at my mom.

"I was uhh going to go later."

"Go now, your father will drive you."

"Mom!"

"Go downstairs." I put my shoe's on and put Aria's cuff around my wrist and proceeded down the stairs. My dad grabbed his keys and looked at the blood that was now dripping from my hand. I honestly didn't even feel it until I looked down at it. I went to the bathroom and bandaged it up then made my way out the door.

"Where are we going?"

"Her boyfriend's house."

"Where is that?"

"Go straight, I'll tell you when to turn." We drove past houses and houses until we hit the corner of Henry.

"Dad, turn." Fitz's house was the 2nd on the right. I looked at it and heard my dad unlock the car.

"Do you want me to pick you up?"

"No, I'll probably want to walk." I got out of the car and walked towards Fitz's front door as my dad drove away. I rung the door bell twice and looked around. All the house looked the same except one that had a broken window. Fitz opened the door and looked at me up and down before saying anything.

"Sup?"

"We need to talk, it's about Aria." He invited me in and signaled me to the couch. I sat down and he sat in the chair across from me.

"What's up man?"

"Fitz, I don't know how to say this…"

"Don't make a fucking joke Eli."

"I'm not, she umm got hit my a truck. Last night after the show. Fitz, I'm sorry." He looked at me and then starting putting his hand in a fist. I thought he'd aim it towards me but he slammed it right through the glass coffee table that was between us. He took out his hands that now had parts of glass and blood peeking out of every angle. His mom walked in and looked and me then looked at Fitz.

"Mark Fitzgerald? What did you do!" He looked down at his hand and looked up at his mom.

"I think it speaks for itself." She glared at Fitz and continued.

"And what was you reason? I'd LOVE to hear it!"

"She's dead mom." His mom's face dropped into a look of concern. "But you should be happy mom! You never wanted us together! You never want me to happy! Well, she's dead, we're not together and I'm not happy." He walked out of the living room and she followed I took this as my que to let myself out. I walked out of Fitz house and just started crying. I looked at the ring on my thumb that Aria gave me at Julia's funeral. I didn't think about it at first but this would be my 2nd funeral in the matter of 2 years, most people have never even been to funeral. But my case was different, they were both the most important people in my life, they both died the same way… and now that I think about it, who's to say Julia didn't do it on purpose as well? What am I even thinking anymore? I looked up to the sky and then down to the floor trying to determine where she'd had been placed. I thought about everything she'd told me, everything she'd done. She was an amazing person. But she killed herself… So I looked down and placed my hand on Aria's cuff.

"You swore to me, you promised. I needed you." I expected to hear something but nothing happened. "You promised!" The words came out with tears and my voice broke. I wiped away my tears and walked home. I cried the entire time.


	15. Fitz's POV

I honestly thought Eli was joking when he told me about Aria, I didn't want to believe it. I mean, why? Why would she just leave like that? I heard my mom banging on the bathroom door, I just continued to pull out the pieces of glass out of my hand. I felt nothing, it was like the glass wasn't there. The only pain I felt was the pain of knowing that she was gone and never coming back. I finally decided to open the door for mom she looked at my hand and started taking out the glass herself. She looked at me expecting to cry or start talking but I didn't move.

"Are you okay?" I said nothing. "Mark, why do you care so much? You just met this girl." I pulled my hand away from her and started crying.

"You don't understand! Me and Aria were good! She was the only good thing about everything."

"Mark, that doesn't tell me what's wrong." I took my hand and pulled the box from my pocket.

"This is why I'm upset. Open the box mom. See what's inside." She opened the box to find a small Celtic ring with a purple stone.

"Mark, do you know what rings mean in a relationship."

"This one meant eternity… Now it really does." I snatched the ring out of my mom's hand and ran upstairs. I looked around my room, there was nothing of hers here. Nothing… I saw a sweater though, it's mine but she always wore it. I put it on and it smelled like her. She always smelled like Japanese Cherry Blossom, that's how I knew she was behind me… I always smelt her perfume before I saw her. I held the ring in my hand and left the sweater on. I felt my phone in my pocket, I pulled it out and saw an alert from Clare.

_ Funeral is Sunday. Please come._

I don't know why she thought I would come… I went into my closet and looked for my one and only suit to wear for her funeral. I found it in the back of the closet and took it out. I placed the small box in the jacket pocket and called Clare.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, umm… I'll see you Sunday."

"Okay, ummm do you want to go with me and Eli?"

"No, I'll go on my own."

I hung up the phone and crawled into my bed. It didn't take long before I fell asleep. I woke up the next day around 4 PM and I realized, Ari's funeral is tomorrow. I decided to eat and then go back to sleep. I woke up at 10 AM and started getting ready. I did my hair multiple times until I remembered that she like it better just down without anything in it so I washed out all the gel and moose and KY jelly type shit in my hair and started to get dressed I wore a shirt that Aria gave me underneath. I started walking to the funeral home, I saw Eli and Clare standing in the front. Eli was crying and Clare was attempting to comfort him. I walked up to them and Clare smiled at me.

"Hey, Eli."

"Hey man." He gave me a pound and I hugged him. Clare looked sort of astonished.

"Months. Months I tried to make you friends." We all laughed and walked inside. As we walked in I saw a couple familiar faces from school and a couple unfamiliar faces. Eli looked tense.

"You okay?"

"Umm Julia's mom is here… And Seth?" I looked over to find a tall, scrawny and blonde guy. Eli starting approaching him.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"She's my sister Eli."

"She killed herself because of you! Go, now!"

"I have a right to be here."

"You shouldn't have any rights…" Clare pulled on Eli's arm in some attempt to get him to calm down. I looked at Seth who began to cry. I went over to him and reminded him of the truth.

"You took away the most important person in my life." He looked up then walked out. Eli gave me a sort of look of approval.

I started to approach the casket, I had this felling and it was killing me. Eli had put a dark red rose next to her and Clare placed another. I was up next and it was like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything. I looked at her face that seemed untouched, almost perfect. Then I noticed a scar going from her eye to her neck that they attempted to cover with make-up. I pulled the box out of my pocket and took the ring out. I picked up her left hand and placed it on her ring finger.

"I saw that the ring was called Aria and I thought this could signify us lasting forever. I guess we kind of will now." I kissed the top of her head and started to cry and her cold skin touched my lips. I didn't know how we came about but I'm glad we did. I had found a friend in Eli and Clare. I had found something special in Aria. I thought of this one time we got into a fight she attempted to serenade me. She sung I wanna hold you hand by the Beatles until she managed me into her room and no longer mad at her. I'd give anything to relive everything with her. I looked down at her and placed a picture of me and her in her hand, the back read:

_**For my Aria,**_

_**Yours In Eternity,**_

_**Mark **_


	16. Aria's Letters

While sitting on Clare's porch my phone began to ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's mom."

"Caller ID…"

"Oh yes! Well, bring Clare and Fitz. You guys have some mail."

"Why do Clare and Fitz have mail at out house?"

"I have no clue. I guess the person sought it to be a better idea."

"Who is it from?"

"No, return address. Just come here with them." I was kind of worried about who these letters could be from but I didn't think much about it. Clare called Fitz and we agreed he'd meet us at my house. When we got to my house my mom had laid out the letters across the kitchen table.

"Who do you think they're from?" I looked at the two of them back and forth, neither said anything. Clare started touching the envelope looking at the handwriting.

"Aria." Me and Fitz both looked at Clare as she picked up the letter that had her name on it. "She was the only person who would make the E in my name A with her sad attempt at script." She laughed a bit then tears came down. I ran to her are held her tightly hoping it would help. Fitz picked up his letter and started to open it.

"Wait, I know Ari… She'd want us to open it together." Fitz and Clare nodded. We each picked up our letters and opened them at the same time. They were each about a page and a half long, typed of course. The only time Ari used a pen or pencil was when she was drawing. She wrote everything out like a school paper, she even put the time. She wrote mine about a week before she did it. "When did she write yours?" They both looked up at me.

Clare looked around his letter and said "Mine is dated 3 days before… at exactly 12 PM"

Fitz looked down at hers and said "Mine is the day of." None of us were astonished by the fact. Aria had to be even about everything, we all kind of thought she had OCD but we never brought it up to her.

"Why don't we read them aloud?"

"Eli, I don't know… What if she didn't want us to."

"Clare, why do you think she sent them all to one place?" I looked over at Fitz who was crying. They weren't subtle cries, he was sobbing. Clare walked over to him and put her arm on his shoulder. I skimmed my letter and read the one line that I knew would be there at some point.

_I did this for you Eli, I loved you too much to stay around._


	17. Clare's Letter

My Dearest Clare,

When I met you I knew I was here for a reason, not for Eli, not for Mark but to find a friend that was nothing but genuine and in my darkest hours I could cry too if needed.

I remember that one night I called you crying, you didn't know that the entire time I held a knife in my hand but you told me "It's okay, I promise. You have me from here until eternity. Ari, I love you like a sister. Your one of the most important things that will ever mean anything to me." I cried the entire night just reciting those words to myself because I knew you weren't lying. You're the crappiest liar I've ever met and I loved that about you.

I loved that whenever Eli said something stupid your right eye would twitch and that whenever you and Eli kissed you'd smile a bit. I know that sounds weird for me to notice but I loved it. You always reminded me of myself… except happier.

I remember saying how your parents fought a lot and you weren't sure what to do and I always told you that I thought they should just divorce and save you all the pain. You called me a negative Nancy and told me I couldn't talk for 60 seconds and we'd sit there in silence for 60 seconds. Those 60 seconds meant a lot to me, I'm not even sure why but they did.

Then I remember when you said you and Eli were fighting. I told you "Hold on and never let go because the truth of the matter is that as fucked up as Eli's brain is he is the best thing that could happen to you. There's something special about you two and it's really necessary that you please, for me stay together." You never got why I was so persistent about you two so here it is. They day I got there I saw Eli and we decided to catch up, he told me he was in love with you. He never even said that about Julia and I didn't know what was so different about you and frankly I didn't need to. You guys are something special.

I'm definitely rambling right now… I always ramble. Bad habit I guess.

I need you to know that as I'm writing this I'm making the plans… I didn't want to leave you guys but I needed too. It was the only way I could escape what was coming. I'm so sorry that I'm putting you through this but it would have gotten a million times worse. I would have probably killed one of you if time went on. Besides she needed me. I have to wrap this up.

Clare, you're my best friend and I love you. I really wish we knew each other sooner.

Yours In Eternity,

Aria


	18. Fitz's Letter

Mark Fitzgerald,

Yours is hardest to write for me, I don't even think you understand how much I love you. I know I shouldn't have left you, I should've stayed strong for us but I couldn't put you through that. I couldn't put us through that.

I want you to know, that no matter what I wrote in Clare and Eli's letters you still mean the world to me and there are some things that you're going to read but please, please still love me.

When I met you, I thought you'd be someone to mess with you know? I wanted to get you back for what you did to Eli but after that day I decided to "escape" with you all my ideas about you changed. I saw why you acted so tough and scary, the same reason I did… you were so afraid of letting people in, afraid that once they knew the true you they'd just walk away and never come back. As time went on I realized you had these impeccable feelings towards me and everyone around you. Your heart is so big Mark.

I remember the first time we fought, that night you cuddled up next to me and started to cry because for a split second you thought you'd lost me. When you said it felt as though my whole body shut down, I'd never had anyone who'd told me they cared if they lost me or not. I think if I would have left you, you would be the one writing this letter.

That was a bad joke.

I'm not sure what led me to be so close to you but I wasn't sure I cared, you were the first and only guy I'd ever had sex with and my only "real" relationship. I loved that you would grab me by my waist and pull me towards you and we'd always manage to end up on my bed (I think I'll spare the details…) I loved every minute we spent together purely because it was you and me together. I loved you so much. I know people may find that hard to believe being that we weren't together for too long but I truly did love you.

There's wasn't entire honesty between us though, I want you to hear it now though.

The first time we had sex… I didn't take anything and you didn't either. I wasn't sure if I was pregnant but I was too scared to check, I didn't want another kid coming out like me. I figured out about 2 days ago that I was in fact 2 months pregnant. It was too early to determine a sex but I didn't really care to find out what it was. I know your probably mad but I think I did this for the baby. This baby would gone in this world without a mother and a father that was an emotional wreck and looking at this baby would remind you every day that I was dead and over time you'd begin to hate it, despise it because truth of the matter is, I would never come back and all you had was this child to remind you of it.

One more thing, before I came to Degrassi I was involved with Eli, I know I said nothing happened but the last thing I needed was for you to stab him for real this time. That does not mean that I was in love with Eli and not you because although I do and always will love Eli, I was never in love with him the way I was with you. See, that's the reason Julia's with me right now. While Eli and Julia were together me and him spent the night together and although nothing happened we did admit to eachother that we did have some feeling that we kept in the back of our heads. I'll never process how but Julia found out and that's why they were fighting. So I guess Julia's death was my fault too.

That's all the secrets I kept inside. I'm sorry I waited until after for you to find out but I really didn't have the guts to tell you because I know you would've walked right out of my life and left me with nothing but a memory.

Mark Fitzgerald, I loved you and I did want to be with you for all the time I could… but my brain was just in a constant battle with itself and I couldn't do it anymore. I could never think straight or act the way I wanted to because my brain would throw me in a complete different direction. As much I said I was fine, I wasn't. I was sick and I was tired and little by little Aria was deteriorating and in her place the birth of a monster that grew little by little and I wasn't about to let you remember me that way.

Yours In Eternity,

Aria

P.S. I'll always be yours.


	19. Eli's Letter

My Dearest Eli,

I never got a chance to tell you the truth, I could never tell you what I hid inside this entire time. I loved you, not in the friendly way or the sisterly way... I just genuinely loved you. At the peak of this love I found out about Clare and as much as I tried I just couldn't hate her, she was the best thing for you. Then I met Fitz, he made my world amazing, he made me feel as though I would be okay. But I wasn't, and I knew I never would be. I tried hard to put on a smile for the sake of you 3 but after a while my heart grew small and it no longer hurt to lie to you guys and well that Eli? That scared me. Eli; you, Clare and Mark were the greatest thing in my life and to be able to lie to you without feeling a thing? That just wasn't something I was okay with.

I remember when I met you... you had Julia on your lap and a cup in hand, the first thing I thought was "who the fuck is this asshole?" little did I know you'd become the person to pretty much complete me.  
God damn it Eli, I need you here with me and Julia! We're gonna sit here not knowing what to do because without you we were the most bored people in the world. Then again, if your not with me I'm usually not me. Or at least I thought so.  
(Mark :D) Yeah Eli, barf. I dare you :P

Eli... I have something to ask you, keep Clare? Not like me all "my precious" and what not. But seriously? She's good for you, you guys need eachother. The way me and Mark did.  
That's another thing, take him in. He needs a friend... scratch that, he needs a brother. Be that for him? Because I'm just not strong enough to be there. I know this isn't long but this is all you needed to know.

Eli...  
Your perfection. Your crazy, but perfection.

I love you.

Yours In Eternity,  
Aria Mikael

P.S. I'll tell her the truth. 


End file.
